Monday Safety Tips.

Always, always go to sleep on Sunday night well before 2:30am.

The alarm clock will lie to you and say that you can sleep another 9 minutes. Do not trust the alarm clock. You always have to get up on the first ring. Really.

The 710, The 110, The 405 and The 91 Freeways are all creations of Satan, and are here to take down the righteous with the fowl. Pray when riding upon them.

Do not, no matter how tempting it may be, put Counting Crows on when you first walk through the door. It will put you in either a reflective state of mind or to sleep. If you are truly unfortunate, it will do both.

Yelling at Doctor's office staff, no matter how good it makes you feel, is not productive.

Caffine helps nothing. Sugar and caffine ont he other hand make a man mean. Awake and mean. And slightly hyperactive.

Powernaps can be had while on hold.

Simpsons jokes told at loud volumes across the office make mirth. Mirth keeps the Little Death from happening.

Punching doors help no one, and it hurts your fist. Especially if you hit with the wrong part of your hand (first two fingers, knuckles and fingers, square inch, stupido).

Punching walls destroys drywall. But at least it gives.

Chugging a coke and spinning around in your chair very fast is not the best way to conduct business.

Gargling the Star Spangled Banner with your water will keep the boss out of your office. You will get wet, but she will leave you alone.

"Dead Wrestlers" by Bis is a great song to dance around in the window to. Especially when there are mothers dropping off their kids at the preschool next door. If you are lacking this song, try Fischerspooner's "Emerge" or !!!'s "There Are No F*#@King Rules." All of these work well.

Remember to eat lunch. Do not spend your entire lunchtime playing Medieval Total War, no matter how close you are to conquering the French.

Snickers don't satisfy shit.

Daydreaming is only allowed if you are thinking about crushes. Do not spend the time thinking about how you'll spend your lottery winnings. You will never win the lottery. Crushes are better. And cuter.

Making faces at people who cannot see you when you talk to them on the phone reduces stress. It may, however, peg you for a weirdo to the office secretary.

Do not attempt to put in secret messages into faxes. It doesn't work. It will get you in trouble. Really, it will.

3pm marks the beginning of the longest 2 hours of the day.

Leave at the end of the day. Do not stay around summing up your productivity for your boss. She will not remember shit the next day, and you'll always end up answering phones if you're still there.

Jazz fixes everything. More or less. Somewhat. Well, it's fun to blast when you're passing the street where all the old folks live.

The Ghetto is no place for rap. It is a place for Bon Jovi. At really, REALLy loud decibels.