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A smile for a crazy world.
Aug. 18th, 2004 01:25 amI live.
Not always in the best way possible, not always well, but I live. And this is what counts, you see. I breathe, I shit, I eat, and I keep hearing this strange noise when it gets quiet. I think it's a heartbeat. So, yes, I still and yet live.
I was reminded by a friend tonight that it is not I who am mad. Not me who's crazy. It's the world. So, taking that into account, I'm rebirthing myself. I'm reforming myself again. New Release, Version 3.14 Anthony. Watch me whirr and whistle and pop with new vim and verve. Like the song says, you gotta have "Pep, Vim and Verve!"
I blame Warren Ellis. Not for the world being crazy, but for me having a strange, clear headed epiphany. I was reading Transmetropolitan, enjoying the sociopathic econ-politico-ethic rants of Spider Jeruselum when I realized that I *got* got got *GOT* it.
His assistant asked him, why he did all these drugs, and strange rantings and things to himself. And he explained that it was so he could be *there*. Basically so he could care about, and deal with the bullshit. He profs that you just have to dive in, and embrace it.
So, I start with a slow roaring giggle, that turned into an all out laugh. Anthony, you idiot, I think to myself. You forgot about embracing the stupidity.
It's not you that's crazy, it's the rest of the world.
I actually used to buy into this. To understand this. To live it. I still do, when I have the brain fart that reminds me, this is the way to survive here, man. And I manage to forget it in the darkest, deepest part of my alcohol, sleep deprived, worked tarnished brain.
I rolled out of bed walked immediately to the bathroom, and stripped. Danced in the harsh light of the florescent light, turned on the hot water, and drowned my malaise in the spray. Just washed it all out of there. Let whatever tears shed, and be lost like tears in a storm. And I laughed.
I'm tired, I'm often full to bursting with mixed up emotions, but damn if I'm not alive. Living.
The key was that I remembered that good sarcasm is just a wonderful understanding of just how stupid everything is, and enjoying the ride. Watching the train wreck. Letting it be. Tao of Pooh. The Man of La Mancha, tilting at windmills. Doctor Prosser. "Surely, this is the best of all possible worlds." But of course, we must tend our gardens.
I figure if I just prune and bend, I can build a better Bonzai. Best garden, but the roses need tending, and I found where I put the damn shears at. About time.
It was a matter of hitting the bottom of the pool. where it is quiet, and dark, and there is nothing but the constant, slow plodding "lub dub lub dub" of your heartbeat ringing in your ears. It's peaceful down there, but you can't breath. And it is that need--that want--that painful instinct to live. So you push off the bottom with all your energy, flail and kick until your lungs are bursting with want of air. And you inhale--a little water to be sure--but you will, do find yourself sputtering and splashing and breathing, clawing at the side. Alive.
I'm alive. And I like it.
Not always in the best way possible, not always well, but I live. And this is what counts, you see. I breathe, I shit, I eat, and I keep hearing this strange noise when it gets quiet. I think it's a heartbeat. So, yes, I still and yet live.
I was reminded by a friend tonight that it is not I who am mad. Not me who's crazy. It's the world. So, taking that into account, I'm rebirthing myself. I'm reforming myself again. New Release, Version 3.14 Anthony. Watch me whirr and whistle and pop with new vim and verve. Like the song says, you gotta have "Pep, Vim and Verve!"
I blame Warren Ellis. Not for the world being crazy, but for me having a strange, clear headed epiphany. I was reading Transmetropolitan, enjoying the sociopathic econ-politico-ethic rants of Spider Jeruselum when I realized that I *got* got got *GOT* it.
His assistant asked him, why he did all these drugs, and strange rantings and things to himself. And he explained that it was so he could be *there*. Basically so he could care about, and deal with the bullshit. He profs that you just have to dive in, and embrace it.
So, I start with a slow roaring giggle, that turned into an all out laugh. Anthony, you idiot, I think to myself. You forgot about embracing the stupidity.
It's not you that's crazy, it's the rest of the world.
I actually used to buy into this. To understand this. To live it. I still do, when I have the brain fart that reminds me, this is the way to survive here, man. And I manage to forget it in the darkest, deepest part of my alcohol, sleep deprived, worked tarnished brain.
I rolled out of bed walked immediately to the bathroom, and stripped. Danced in the harsh light of the florescent light, turned on the hot water, and drowned my malaise in the spray. Just washed it all out of there. Let whatever tears shed, and be lost like tears in a storm. And I laughed.
I'm tired, I'm often full to bursting with mixed up emotions, but damn if I'm not alive. Living.
The key was that I remembered that good sarcasm is just a wonderful understanding of just how stupid everything is, and enjoying the ride. Watching the train wreck. Letting it be. Tao of Pooh. The Man of La Mancha, tilting at windmills. Doctor Prosser. "Surely, this is the best of all possible worlds." But of course, we must tend our gardens.
I figure if I just prune and bend, I can build a better Bonzai. Best garden, but the roses need tending, and I found where I put the damn shears at. About time.
It was a matter of hitting the bottom of the pool. where it is quiet, and dark, and there is nothing but the constant, slow plodding "lub dub lub dub" of your heartbeat ringing in your ears. It's peaceful down there, but you can't breath. And it is that need--that want--that painful instinct to live. So you push off the bottom with all your energy, flail and kick until your lungs are bursting with want of air. And you inhale--a little water to be sure--but you will, do find yourself sputtering and splashing and breathing, clawing at the side. Alive.
I'm alive. And I like it.
