I don't know why, or how I got so blasted out today. My heart just dropped, and on top of the way things at work were going today, I just...got down. I'm wondering what's going on elsewhere in my life that I don't realize.
Is it possible to be a third wheel when you're alone? I feel like that from time to time. Like I'm in the way for everyone...like I'm Dennis The Menace, the pesky kid from next door. I often felt that way when I was living with Michael and Rob, and I figure I was annoying from time to time...most of the time.
I call, I visit, and I'm a pain. And then others, I don't visit or call enough.
Been avoiding the mirror today. I don't know why, I just don't want to look at myself. I have a tendency to stare into my own eyes when I look into mirrors. Not just review if I'm together. I tend to...reflect too much. Figure out if people looking at me can see what's behind there.
But, I've been in shirt and tie mode this week, which makes it kinda difficult NOT to look into the mirror. And it's been kinda weird though, because I keep getting complimented by random folks on "how good you look." Which I really don't get, because I'm doing the "sloppy" Duane Wayne look. It's neat, and an ego boost of sorts, but still. Weird.
I wonder what people think of me when they see me. Scruffy, sometimes sad. Sometimes grinning from ear to ear. I think about these things often. When I look in the mirror, when I walk to the bathroom, when I'm staring at a computer moniter at work pouring over lists of experts.
Towards the end of the day today, I started to feel just how bloody tired I was. Am. Had to keep getting up and walk around the office to wake myself up. Was scared to death that I would fall asleep at the wheel, but no such mal chance...I rolled all the windows down, cranked up Placebo's
Sleeping With Ghosts and floored (HAHAH! Not.) my way home. Curled up on the couch and hugged a pillow up tight to me, and crashed out for a little bit. I think that I got a solid half hour. Maybe 45 minutes.
Watched Lost. Made a call. Made another call. Chatted online for a little bit.
And thought.
I should be writing. I should be reading. I should be doing something other than blindly surfing the net and watching (dear lord, help me)
Dance 360. But this is what I've been doing lately. A lot.
But the bigger question, I think, is why am I still awake? What the hell am I doing still up? Passed through tired. past exhausted. No longer sleepy. I'm just droning. Not quite mindless Zombie. Not quite awake. Just doing. Just alive.
Alive is good. Ecstatic is better. I'll settle for contentment. I'm working on it. Woooorrrrkiiiiinggg on it. It's an ongoing project. Always an ongoing project. Tending my garden.
This makes no sense, I think. But it'll all be better once I catch some snores. Most likely.
( And...um...a meme )![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
